Autumn sunshine was streaming through the windows. So, I thought I would sit down in a warm spot with a cup of tea to read my book. Just for a bit while she sleeps. It seemed like a good idea. Then, without notice, one of the characters in my previously light-hearted novel was diagnosed with cancer. And that was it. The catalyst for a dam-burst.
There have been a few tears and a lot of stomach clenching, arm prickling, head spinning moments since her seizure Friday night but I seemed to have missed the day three blues…or is that horrors. It always happens, I’ve noticed. The third day after a big seizure or health scare adrenaline seems to subside and all of the fear and panic of the event is felt…all at once. I thought I had skipped it. But no. Day seven has become day three.
Only a couple of hours ago I was joking about the “fun” of cleaning phlegm and the follow through vomit of a huge cough off the carpet. You see she’s still not well. She had a day and a half of no visible seizure activity then the little ones came back. Poor Missy only managed a half a day at school this week before a very croaky voice (kinda funny in a non-verbal kid…her voice was about an octave lower!) precipitated an awful cough. So she managed to enjoy her birthday party (thankfully) but is now too hot and coughing up more gunk than her little body should be able to hold.
So I have had to keep going…avoiding that number between 2 and 4…until now. One line in a book brought me undone. I felt a little upset…good books will do that to me…but as one tear was shed I realised I couldn’t stop. A wave of gut wrenching sobs engulfed me. I could feel an ugly noise trying to escape but I sucked it back in to avoid waking my girl. Instead the rasping shake of my diaphragm trying to take in air took over my whole upper body. I dropped the book……….and the strain of the last seven days and cried and cried. Seizures suck; the ugly fear of what could happen is sickening. Living with the anticipation of “the next one” is…….I have no eloquent words, it sucks too! And now I’m *^%@# (insert whichever expletive suits your own sensibilities) e x h a u s t e d.